and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
