I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
