Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Randomize
