I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
