i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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