Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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