you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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