Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
