Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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