I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
The adults are the big ones right?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
