The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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