i just sent this text using only my big toe
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
so much tequila, so little girl.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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