I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
