Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
