hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Randomize
