Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
