I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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