The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.