I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
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I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you