she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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