don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
