life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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