Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
