I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
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