that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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