enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I will pee on everything he values.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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