there's paper in my vomit.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
