I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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