Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
