Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
