You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
