I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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