i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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