He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
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