I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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