Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Lo siento on account of my penis...
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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