I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Let's get the cat blown out
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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