and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
