i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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