i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
