the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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