i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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