WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
