What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
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