hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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