Taylor Swift is so right about you.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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