It was confusing and full of hummus
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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