Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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