I'm so fucking centered right now
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
