Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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