Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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