if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
