I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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