I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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