Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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