I just saw a hot homeless man
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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